She needs them to leave. For the music to stop, for the voices to subside. For the ceiling to quit making laps around her vision. For the darkness either to metamorphose into light or to swallow her completely.
Always being surrounded by people is how she feels she should be. Always searching for that spontaneous moment, the spark . Searching for the story, for the memory. But she has lost herself tonight. Somewhere between the shots and the keys, somewhere at the bottom of a glass the euphoria drowned. Now she wants them to go.
Her head is caught in the darkness between the flashing of LED lights. The kind of darkness that feels heavy, that carries the hidden sorrows people are drinking to avoid.
There is an endless flow of people;shouting, laughing,cracking balloons, dancing on the table and singing. But the hands on the clock never seem any further apart.
The music is too loud, the thumping of the bass is spurring her heart on. Her thoughts running marathons before they are fully formed. Before she can work them out into any sentences. Does she know half these people?
It’s too much now, to many, to loud. Can they leave the lounge, her room , the flat.
She just needs to breathe but her thoughts are reeling. She needs this to stop. She needs to stop. She needs to breathe, she can’t breathe. Why can’t she breathe?
Tomorrow she will be better. Tomorrow she will wake up and focus on herself. She will force herself up through the hangover. She will break the cycle of drink and sleep. Do her washing, take off her make up, drink tea instead of a bottle of vodka.
She might for a few days, before she feels isolated. Before the prospect of a night in on her own, sat by herself comes crashing in like the weight of all of time condensed, and she has to go out searching for her friends.
Because one day this wont be her life anymore. She wont have the time or the money to go to the clubs, friends wont have the time to throw the party’s . She has to enjoy it now before life becomes unbearably boring.